KiyoHime
by AnomolyIdiotic
Summary: Not to be taken seriously! stupid yet amusing. Light Swearing and meantions of epilepsy. Hopefully will give you a smile for the day!


A/N: I don't understand why my computer has the problem with the word arse since the other ass means a donkey… I'm confused. But for all you rabid fans out there I'm not going to give out my living details, originally this was a really depressing story but I tried to change a lot to make it up beat and stupid! I have been writing this for months but not, in the sense that I had a life for a while. Then returned in a moment to be cool and finish this piece because I was bored out of my mind.

**Starring**- Shizuru as _Kiyohime_. Natsuki as _Anchin_ and Tate as _Kiyotsugu_ (don't ask me why I made Tate Shizuru's father…ever!!)

Many hundreds of years ago lived a monk named Natsuki, she lived in a monastery named Kishu Dojoji she was the sister of Emperor Suzyaku. (historical accuracy from the thing I read at wikipeadia about a folk tale…historical accuracy mixed with a folklore??)

Natsuki's feet ached from a **mysterious** long journey, it was said she had inner demons causing great amounts of rage. (Anyway, who in their right mind would let Natsuki become a monk? At least she wasn't European, Natsuki with a shaved crown, then long blue hair, sooooo weird to imagine. A round bald patch! Round and chubby, fighting with the merry men…_ENOUGH! Italicted to emphasize the enoughiness of my train of thought.) _

"Fuck it," it seemed her soul searching had gone in vain. The blue haired monk threw her empty water flask on the ground, then because she felt like it kicked it as far as she could. Following the flask her eyes fell across a large house, she watched as one of the tiles on the house fell to the ground. A scream came from inside the building. She needed water. A large rice field was between her and the house, the road leaning to the front door was a longer walk. Cutting across the rice field, she cursed everything she looked at.

"Damn flask, damn rice field, damn spirituality." NAtsuki grumbled letting a little more pent up rage out on the rice field. Reaching the door of the fancy house, she knocked loudly and hard enough to splinter the wood.

"What do you…" the Tate's face twisted into a smile. "Natsuki welcome to my humble home may your dirty, wet? Shoes grace it."

Tate smiled to himself, this was his chance to get browie points with the Emperor. Have Natsuki stay the night and DING DING DING!, richness and fame. Natsuki walked passed the man, she needed water and her flask back. Not seeing the $$ symbols in the land lord's eyes, she pushed him into the wall beginning her search for her flask. She'd be "gone in 60 seconds" .

Natsuki searched for her water flask, but was constantly impeded by the land lord who tried to offer her food and wine. Natsuki's eye began to twitch in annoyance, her water flask was missing and the land lord was pissing her off. Punching the man in the eye, he was quieted and she continued her search. Natsuki was a bad arse monk after all.

**Nigh time.** (It was a pretty sunset, (lots of colours and such)(I like brackets)(but not in the sense of braces, and bands that's painful!)(In case you were confused)(You are probably still reading what's in the bracket)(There is no point)(Stop reading now)(There is no point)(Impressed you read it all)(BUT NO POINT!!)(If you read every fourth letter there is a secret message!!) respectful and grand in its sunsetty ways.)

"Come stay the night," Tate smiled then he repeatedly raised his eyebrows "If you want you can sleep in my bed?!"

"I need those," Tate said rolling on the ground tears running from his eyes.

Natsuki wanted out, but Tate managed to convince her to stay (she liked hitting him). Natsuki's heart yearned for the quiet of the temple and the sound of the evening bells and the soft chanting of the sutras. Natsuki stared at he author and clenched her fists… Natsuki's heart yearned for the WWF smack down on cable that night in her technologically advanced ninja/monk temple (the word ninja makes anything sound cool. Ninja Speakers, Ninja Mum, Ninja Mask, Ninja Toe…?). Natsuki sat down in meditation, then visualized the **NINJA **wrestling match (ninjas may not be include).

And it was as she sat in meditation in that room that Shizuru, the landlord's daughter, first saw her. Her breath was heavy as she stared like the true **PSYCHO** stalker she was at Natsuki (you know it too!). She stared at the fine looking piece of arse and nodded her head gangsta style. Shizuru had to find out the fine piece of arses' name. Shizuru ran to her father, Tate, who had been drinking heavily and was suffering from a mild concussion. She asked her father who the stranger in the meditation room was.

Her father was in a merry mood from the alcohol consumption and told her, "That is Natsuki, the monk of Kishu Dojoji, who will one day be your husband."

Shizuru smiled a predatory smile, this was better than all the kimono's she owned (150 each made from a different Pok'e Mon, I refuse all other Pok'e Mon that don't exist!! And so do you!!). She left the room, and tiptoed to the bedroom where Natsuki now lay asleep. Gently, she climbed into the bed with her.

Natsuki awoke with a start. "Who the fuck are you?"

"I'm Shizuru, hot stuff", she said. "And you are my husband." And she would not heed Natsuki's protestations.

"What the fuck are you on?"

"ARGH!"

"No I'm not your husband!!"

"Do I look like a man to you?!"

"Hey stop that!"

"Rape!!"

"Well, actually…"

The moon/lighting special effects then dimmed into blackness.

"What!" yelled Tate. "At the good stuff you dim and get all 'I DON'T WRITE LOVE SCENES AND ONLY LIKE KILLING PEOPLE AND I'M CONSCIOUS OF MY WRITING! La-di-dar!! Look at all your swear words you can't keep this G-rated!! I want dirty por…"

Whatever did or did not happen to Tate we do not mention.

But Natsuki's heart was not drawn to Shizuru, nor, if truth be told, she find her **HOT**. (And it was very lonely in her temple.) So in the morning after she depleted a packet of morning after cigarettes, Natsuki bid her farewell, and made to depart for her temple.

"What you can't leave me!" Shizuru yelled grabbing Natsuki, her stalker ways snatching hair at the same time. She'd save that for later.

"But where shall I go, my husband?" Shizuru asked her tears forming in her eyes. "How can you leave me?"

Natsuki looked at Shizuru completely defenseless against the crying girl in front of her. Her mouth forming words, then said the first thing that came to mind.

"I'll be back babe, don't worry I just need some time to deal with my issues." Natsuki replied giving a one off smile. Touching her head, there was a small throbbing pain from her scalp.

"Don't worry Natsuki will return," said Tate, his snail form leaving a trial behind him. He then started breathing heavily exhausted. "It took me five hours to get here!"

"Your trail start just over there father," Shizuru stated pointing near the end of the corridor.

"Look I'm no longer seen as cool, I'm not even allowed to become a NINJA snail!!" Tate replied shaking his…eye? (like a fist) angrily.

"I shall return, Shizuru", Natsuki said. And with those words, she left. Perhaps at the time she did intend to return, for she was not a cruel WOman. But as time passed and she returned to her life in the temple, she ceased to think of Shizuru. (There was a lot on T.V.( Will and Grace Baby!!)

Shizuru sat staring outside from her bedroom window, her arms and left leg shaking impatiently. It had been five days (years in the "true" (mythical) tale but Shizuru is: Stalker Shizuru fighting and "watching" crime. And I think has a heroin addiction.) since her beloved husband had left her. In these five days, joy faded to expectation, and expectation to longing, and longing to despair, but Natsuki still did not return. Tate in his snail form could only watch, as Shizuru looked like she was having an epileptic fit and had rabies. He shook his eye again, damn that rouge (monk) Natsuki.

Shizuru waited by the phone, even though it had not been invented she still hoped Natsuki would call. Say she was thinking about her, about her day, when she would be back for their wedding. Shizuru was wearing her white wedding dress, and their guest were beginning to stave. She was unsure about the lady in the cake, she had stopped calling out a day ago.

Then Shizuru knew she had forgotten her, and despair gave way to a cold, burning hate, which burned within her till it consumed her body.

_Theme Song:_

Go Go Shizuru Powers! Flashing lights terrible for people suffering from epilepsy (this song sounds nothing like Power Rangers…wink wink)

Collapsing to the ground she suffered a seizure as she transformed, weird pinball noises came from her each time she twitched. A level up sound then came from her as her arm became a snake purple head. More pinball sounds and level ups came from the twitching form on the ground. (As this is happening, please note that Tate is slowly whatever snails do as movement escaping from being crushed.) Smoke then burst from ground, there was Shizuru transformed into a purple snake, the camera zoomed in on the snake's assets. The snake formerly known as Shizuru (and still is known as Shizuru) was then zoomed in on. A bottom (the arse) shot, not that it had one, a breast shot, didn't have that either, then a head shot (has that one). Then the camera man zoomed around the snake, then trailed up and down the purple snake, then around again. Then… (the Author slaps the camera man/woman, I'm not sexist just like to keep people in their place.) Tate stared at his daughter that had **TRANSFORMED** into a mentally unstable snake.

Though his main question which he decided to state not just say to the author was: "Loser!! Why the arm instead of the head of my daughter transformed into the head of the snake?"

(Author: I thought that Kiyohime was an eight headed snake in story as well as in Mai Hime. But keeping it "real" it doesn't. So I was readying to make lots of head spout out, arms and head and all. Since I never look back I'm keeping it that way!!)

(Tate, for thinking to much a finger appeared from no where and crushed him. RIP Tate in snaily heaven for snails) incase you thought different))

Shizuru could only think of revenge and burst through the roof of the house, because she was "too cool" for doors and being polite. As a snake she travelled across land and water till she reached Natsuki's Dojoji (pad(not the underwear kind)).

In the temple, Natsuki saw the snake burst out from next door, and she knew it was Shizuru, coming to extract vengeance on her. Jumping up from her X-box 360, that had a small scratch on the side looking like a curve. But not too curvy more of a wave. But not that much of a wave more of a swirl. She ran, jumping from the unexplainable explosion, diving for the kid that was about to be hit by a car and dealing with a hostage negotiation.

Thinking of the safest place to hide, she thought of the great bell of the temple. Since it was the least obvious thing inside her Dojoji, but outside it was the main eyesight. Wriggling in, she sat in the darkness.

She was a cunning one!

But Shizuru was smarter also had watched when she had been poising in the air for a dramatic effect. Shizuru then flew over to the "weeping bell" (that's what it's called in the tale, not a nice name..). Shizuru then flew over to the Happy Happy Smiley Fun Time Bell, Shizuru then wound herself around the Happy Happy Smiley Fun Time Bell and burned it. (Pyromaniac! Don't do that Shizuru you'll kill the Happy Happy Smiley Fun Time Bell and Natsuki!)

Melting the Happy Happy Smiley Fun Time Bell (noooo!), Natsuki and herself. The metal of the Happy Happy Smiley Fun Time Bell, and other assorted human and snake pieces then floated into the Hidaka river that flowed placidly by the temple, why it was placid we do not know.

(To make it happier for rabid fans, Shizuru the snake and Natsuki the corpse met up in snaily heaven, and discussed their relationship "Issues" with Tate the new Lord Of The Snails, and again Piggy was killed by that fateful rock(1))

"And the bell remains in Myomanji, to this day, as a treasure of the temple, along with the ashes of Sakyamuni.

Kiyohime was not a villainess, even in folklore. The concluding words of _Koi no tenarai_, "The Learning of Love", from the Nagauta cycle "Kyo Kanoko Musume Dojoji" paint a sensitive picture of a woman tormented by her love, and an unfeeling rejection from one to whom she considered herself bound." Quote (2)

Lord of the Flies

AN: the link below is the truer tale of KiyoHime and her adventure!! Hoped this wasted a few minutes of your time and made you have a smile. Dedicated to that person who commented about having a dull day, and since I'm not on the net and can't be bothered checking the name assume it's you and boost your self esteem!

**NINJA!**! Anomaly Idiotic! (now its cool!!)

Such an idiot it's off the scales!!— and if you are really bored google bad fics and there are some funny stuff just with the comments about what went wrong. But most are sexual, if you can call it that… Should do homework and sleep that weird thing!! Sleep for the Weak!!

(2) 


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